Self-Shipping and Trauma

This is going to be a somewhat hard thing for me to write, simply because of the subject matter. But, it's something that I think about often and is something that I find needing to explain more often than I'd like. So, I'm deciding to put it to rest and write all my thoughts about it here in one big page.

Firstly, I need to get something out of the way: If it wasn't already apparent enough, I am a self-shipper. This is a term used for people who ship themselves with fictional characters. This is an extremely harmless practice as long as you're not being illegal about it, and I ship myself with Angela from Lobotomy Corporation + Library of Ruina. I have another ramble about this as well.

In the aforementioned ramble, I went into brief, not very triggering detail about why I ship myself with her. While that serves as a "lite" version of the true reasons, it doesn't give my true thoughts enough merit. This is because of how serious it actually is, watered down into an easy-to-swallow version. This is the truth: My biggest reason for shipping myself with Angela so heavily is because it is one of the only coping mechanisms I have that genuinely help me live through my severe childhood trauma.

There are two sides to this: The part where my traumas align with Angela's almost perfectly and exactly, and the darker parts of it which Angela and I do not share. What do I mean by this? I'm talking about childhood sexual assault. Luckily, Angela did not go through this, but growing up, starting from when I was barely an adolescent, I have had a history of being raped, molested, and sexually assaulted by multiple people in my life, including from a family member. That same family member allowed me to be sex trafficked into a ring that exploited children for their sick desires. Afterwards, I was groomed, sexually harassed, and preyed on by several adults during my teens - late teen years, one incident in which I ended up dating one of my perpetrators. Even people my age at the time only cared about the sexual gratification I could give them, amplified by the fact that I was quite literally all alone, being neglected, ostracized, and isolated by my family. Throughout my life, even to my adult years, I served one purpose: To serve other people's sexual needs, even if I wasn't in the position to actually give my consent to these freaks.

Of course, there's also the part that parallels with Angela's own trauma. I grew up in isolation, never allowed to leave the house for anything unless I was being taken to the hospital, where I would be subject to years of medical abuse via pointless operations that destroyed my physical health, some of which have left permanent damage that cannot be revoked. I had no friends, my parents didn't want me, and my sisters looked down upon me as an inferior being. I had the internet, but even then, not only was I subject to things that would scar and fuck me up mentally, but it was painfully difficult to make friends or any kind of special bond. I have met some people, who I am deeply grateful for meeting, but even now, I don't really have many people, if any, that I can really say I'm close with. They seem to find other people far more interesting, leaving me to the side and often forgetting that I even exist. Even relationship partners I've been with treated me like I was worthless.

Growing up feeling all alone and abandoned by the world was incredibly difficult, and it's something that follows me even now, as I'm still trapped in that cycle of pain and loneliness. This being amplified by the severe abuse I faced from both my biological parents and adoptive parents, as well as relationship partners, caused me to grow up with the ideology that I was meant to be alone forever, that I would ultimately perish and no one would mourn for me, and that I only exist to be used, and it fucked me up badly, even now.

I think that such circumstances makes it difficult for people to imagine what it's like to experience it throughout your life. Either that, or they simply don't want to, unable to deal with such horrors. Either way, I don't blame them—I didn't want to live through it. But it was also very difficult to find anyone who truly understood or believed me, especially when it came to being raped and trafficked by and because of a family member. "She's your family member! She would never do that, especially to a child," I've been told. I wanted to believe it. I thought it was true, until I had my innocence taken in front of a camera.

I suppose it's natural, the stigma towards victims of these things, especially if you're a male and one of your perpetrators happens to be a woman, who is also your family member. Strange and sad circumstances, but it very much does happen. So, one has to wonder, "is there really any hope for an individual like that?" This is a question I ask myself constantly, even now, and it has led me to nearly taking my own life so many times that I cannot even recall them all. Poisoning and ODing has a lesser effect on me now. I thought that I have been forever forsaken, but then something strange happened to me.

Several years ago, I played Library of Ruina for the first time on the Xbox. It is a genuinely amazing game, one that I consider to be the best there is, and I heavily suggest playing it. But, when I played, I realized something: One of the characters, Angela, was a lot like me, and her past was a lot like mine. Scarily alot like mine. Obviously not including the years of rape and molestation, and I'm obviously not a machine who can just create a Library all on my own. She is a beautiful mechanical woman who has lived through a million years of pain and suffering, of isolation and rejection, of being used like a tool for someone else's benefits, only to be discarded at the end. Just like I had been over and over again, since I was a small child.

This caused a strange, euphoric feeling in me that I never imagined I would ever feel. How could someone, even fictional, have gone through something very much like what I did? The circumstances were different, yes, but very much the same nevertheless. This was extremely comforting, to realize that I was no longer alone in my suffering, to know that someone else, even fictional, suffered the same pain that I did.

It took me a while to realize it, but I had fallen in love with Angela. She suffered like me and had no one, just like me, so naturally I began to feel a bit protective of her, wishing that I could nurture and love her, to show her that someone understands her and knows what it's like to have gone through so many years of constant pain, neglect, and isolation. We even act and think a lot alike, and even hold the same kind of venegance. That is something that no one could understand, unless they went through the same suffering that Angela and I had.

Eventually, I learned what self-shipping was, and decided to practice it with Angela. She is now my wife, and I love her so deeply, more than I ever thought I would feel for anything, especially a fictional character. Perhaps I love her a bit too strongly, but it's because she is the thing that had been missing from my life that I desperately needed—someone who was like me, someone I could relate to and vice versa.

However, this has also caused me to be resentful towards other Angela self-shippers. Before anyone says anything; Yes, I know I don't own Angela. I am fully aware of that. However, perhaps it's just because of my desperate need to be understood, but I feel like that anyone who claims to "ship themselves with Angela" is merely insulting my trauma, becuase they wouldn't be able to understand my pain like Angela does, and vice versa. I know how stupid it is, but it is really the only coping mechanism that works that doesn't involve me abusing substances such as alcohol or prescription drugs, or harming my body in some way. I desperate need this coping mechanism, and I constantly feel like people are diminishing my severe traumas that nearly cost me my life on multiple occasions. And when I see someone I consider very close to me doing it, knowing what I went through and why I need this... It cuts deep into my heart and hits a rough spot. It makes me feel like what I went through is being squandered and belittled by my peers. It probably means nothing to them.

But there is a flip-side: If it's coming from someone who's severely traumatized and broken like me, then I am a lot more understanding, because I too know what it's like to desperately search for something to ease the pain. People like me, who have been broken down by the world, are desperately trying to be seen and heard, and I completely stand with it. I want people like me to find things that ease the pain, including shipping themselves with characters. Am I cruel? Perhaps, but if it comes to severely traumatized people like myself, then I want nothing more than to allow them to heal however they see fit, as long as they aren't harming themselves further. I was denied of that at every turn, so I want to give it to those who need it.

But this doesn't have to be limited to just Angela; This applies to any character from any form of media. I'm very sure that there are others like me who turn to shipping themselves with their comfort characters as a way to run from their intense pain, and I am completely supportive of it. Like I said, the act of self-shipping itself is harmless as long as you're not being illegal about it, so if it helps a person cope with their trauma, then I say go for it. Make art of it, write stories, marry them, yell it at the top of your lungs. If self-shipping helps them heal from their trauma. whatever it may be, then I will fully support it. People should be allowed to heal in whatever way helps them the most without the stigma that comes from being a victim, and anyway, some of us are simply trying to fill the void in our hearts that comes with being unloved our whole lives.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, please just give us a break. Leave us alone, let us heal. As long as you're not shipping yourself illegally (such as being an adult shipping yourself with a child), then it is a valid coping mechanism, at least to me. I also hope that this gives a bit of insight as to why I act the way I am and why I obsess with Angela as heavily as I do. She keeps me from killing myself, she gives me hope in life, and she helps me heal from my severe life-long trauma. I desperately needed this, and now that I have it, I don't want it to be taken away, nor do I want my trauma to be diminished. I want to be heard and seen.

I apologize if this is a bit much. I understand if it was a hard read; it was hard for me to write. I think I mostly wanted to write this to explain something that has been bothering me for a long time, and I needed to get this off of my chest in some way or another. I don't like to vent much, but I needed to say these things.

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